I’ve been playing video games for the better part of my twenty four years alive. Looking back on the years and the many games that I’ve played has made me wonder: Have video game villains gotten better and much more evil over the years or are video game developers running out of ideas on what to create? With the hatred that my article on video game characters that need to be retired ( found here ) recently infuriating roughly half the internet, I thought it would be fun to bring up some old villains that have lived in my heart for several years and in the process get the other half of you angry at me as well.

10. Darth Malak (Star Wars: KOTOR, Xbox)
Nothing says evil like having half of your jaw made out of metal and wanting to create a fleet of sith ships to conquer the universe while simultaneously betraying your friend and turning random people to the dark side. When playing KOTOR all you wanted to do was find this $*#% bag and kill him and retracing his steps to the “dark” side of the force was a fun experience that few other games have managed to achieve. In the final moments of the game Malak said the worst words possible for a villain.  “Im… impossible. I… I cannot be beaten. I am the Dark Lord of the Sith.” Death usually follows instantly after those words…

9. Nemesis (Resident Evil 3: Nemesis, PSX)
Anyone who played this game must still have post-traumatic stress disorder from being chased around for hours on end by Mr. Trench coat over here. It is simply not enough to put a ton of zombies around us. We need something more. Thanks capcom…

While RE3 wasn’t the best Resident Evil game ever created, the Nemesis was still a nightmare inducing experience.

One word to sum up our memories: “STARRRRRSSSSSSSSS!”

8. Ares (God Of War, PS2)

Anyone who has the ability to stop time, bind blades with chains to peoples arms and have spikes grow out of his back has my respect. I imagine it would hurt having those spikes come out of your back as many times as it happens during the final battle. Putting the big orange haired guy down was a fun and memorable experience.

7. The Ghosts (Pac Man, Arcade)
These villains were always a personal enemy of mine and I’m sure more than a few people will agree with me when I say that these ghosts were the equivalent of a rusted nail in the groin when you only had two quarters left.

It’s almost as if they sensed your desperation to keep playing and would respond by pumping steroids into their bodies just so that they could move faster than you could.

6. Revolver Ocelot/Liquid Snake (Various Metal Gear Games)
Ok this guy is like what 14 million years old now? In each game his entire personality changes. In the first Metal Gear game he was a revolver spinning bad ass that was completely obsessed with being Clint Eastwood. In the Sons of Liberty he was still obsessed with revolvers but now he had another villains arm attached to his arm since his arm got cut off in the first game…im starting to get a head ache. Since Snake Eater was set in the past we got to fight a young meowing Ocelot that had two count em two revolvers. Cause nothing says evil like having two weapons.

5. Umbrella Corporation (Every Single RE Game Except number 4 and 5)
One would think that after roughly 11,000 viral outbreaks this company would be shut down. But no apparently no matter how many innocent people are turned into the mindless undead the government still feels the need to let them do what they will.

When will this company make something safe… like video games?

4. GlAdOs (Portal, Xbox 360) 
Picture this; you wake up in a cell with a robotic voice promising you cake and the chance to defy the laws of physics for a scientific experiment. This would be awesome if she was being sincere. Instead the twisted, demented and at times uncontrollably hilarious computer makes you kill the companion cube *sobs* tells you the cake is a lie and tries to kill you for being better than everyone else that tried to get the cake. Id like to sue GlAdOs for thirty cakes since she committed false advertisement…

3. Bowser (Super Mario Bros. Series)
This guy has serious rejection issues. He’s kidnapped Peach like what a thousand times now. She hates you dude move on! She’s a princess you’re a diabolical turtle with spikes and in serious need of a breath mint. It will never work out! Fighting you is fun and as long as theirs kids, Bowser will plague their systems and the multi million dollar plumber for many years to come.

2. The Prophet Of Truth ( Halo 2, 3, Xbox and Xbox 360)
For an elderly cripple the Prophet is quite easily one of the most diabolical enemies that I have ever fought. At first glance he seems straight forward in his sham that he’s doing everything for the Covenant. But as the games go on, he becomes the alien equivalent of Osama Bin Laden with a hover chair.

He get82s killed by the Arbiter and while it’s slightly anti-climactic it is none the less satisfying seeing the energy sword go through his chest.

And finally…

1. Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII, PS1)
This giant sword wielding EMO punk takes the cake as asshole of the year. He wants to destroy the planet, he kills one of the most beloved characters of all time just to prove how tragically evil he is and he has long silver hair. How can anyone think that this guy is anything other than the purest form of evil ever thought up. Beating him is undeniably satisfying and when you finally confront him you can’t help but feel a righteous wrath fill you from the beginning to end.

What’s the moral of this story?  Long hair equals the pinnacle of evil. So if you want to become an evil mastermind all you have to do is act emo, grow your hair long, think dark thoughts and release a deadly virus that turns the world into the undead while making millions off of the marketing aspect. Simple Right?
Hate Mail Chapter 2…BEGIN!